A Truly Bizarro Christmas 09' Edition

welcome one and all to another side splitting edition of A Truly Bizarro Christmas. I'm working on my 4th year of this annual tradition. I love me some tradition! Christy on the other hand likes pumpkin pie and the Twilight books/movie. Go figure! Like every year this blog is made for giggling and laughing but usually ends up offending and alienating. I try my hardest but just like my paycheck it is never enough. My cast of strong and plentiful is:

Brian aka Brandt (to the slow and weak, this is me)
Christy aka Chrystal (my year and 4 month wife)
Mandy aka Mindy (long distance "friend")
Rohan aka Rod (Mandy's long suffering husband)
Troy aka Richard (long time close to home friend)
*joining the cast*- due to viewer complaints
Becca aka Becky (Troy's better half)
Trey aka Tripp (Brian's HS friend)
Liz aka Beth (Trey's significant other)

ok now that the minutia and whatnot is out of the way, on with the show!

it's 12:30 pm at the Robinson/Peters residence (Robinson had to go first in the introduction b/c of legal mumbo jumbo and to appeasement of Christy)
Chrystal: Brandt! Brandt! are you awake yet?
Brandt: yes dear! why are you yelling?
Chrystal: honey is not yelling, I'll let you know when I yell. have you finished you part of the decorating and preparedness of food?
Brandt: (with a beaten down look) yes, I put the tree up, did the dishes, folded the clothes and laid out the food.
Chrystal: ok, I'll make the pie then. can you make the bed real quick????
Brandt: (about to sit down and relax before guests come over) I guess!!
*door bell rings*
Richard and Becky are at the door.
Chrystal: Brandt, will you get that?
Brandt: I'm, I'm making the bed!
Chrystal: (peering out the window) it is Richard and Becky, they are YOUR friends!
Brandt: (opens the door) hey guys, how goes it? (takes their coats)
Richard: not bad bro, not bad.
Becky: wow, this is one small place!
Brandt: (looking downward) yeah well it has been a rough year financially.
Richard: (moving things along) ummm, lets see the living room shall we!
Becky: hon, we are standing in it, can't you see!
Brandt: ok, well here is our home, why don't ya'll have a seat.
Chrystal: (emerging from the kitchen) hey guys, sorry, I have to get this pie a baking.
*door bell rings*
Brandt without hesitation answers the door and Mindy, Rod, Tripp and Beth all arrive together.
Brandt: wow, you guys all arrived together!
Tripp: (wearing a Texas Tech sweater) thanks for stating the obvious there chief!
Mindy races in and gives Chrystal a huge hug and in doing so knocks over the pumpkin pie.
Chrystal: (in slow motion) nooooo!
Rod and Brandt giggle!
Mindy is seen sobbing and wiping snot from her sleeve.
Chrystal: it is ok Mindy I'll just make another one.
Brandt: but you said you would make a chocolate pie???
Chrystal: well we can't do that now can we! momma has to have her pumpkin pie.
Becky: what is all the commotion?
Mindy: I knocked over the pumpkin pie, I feel awful!
Becky: it is ok, we brought one.
Brandt: oh really, awesome!
Chrystal: is it gluten free?
Becky: why would it be?
Richard: (intercedes) hon, Chrystal can't eat anything with wheat or flour?
Becky: (struggling to comprehend) so you can't eat gluten and Brandt can't fly?
Brandt: well I can but I choose........
Richard: (directing his wife into the living room) lets go have a seat in here.
Rod: hey you see the Yankees won the World Series?
Brandt: dude they suck?
Tripp: (joins in) Wreck Em!
Brandt: tap the brakes there boss, the Longhorns are for real!
Chrystal: (seeing this will not end very well) ok, lets eat!
Mindy claps furiously!
the spread of food is on the table.
Beth: where are we suppose to sit?
Chrystal: I thought this year we could go buffet style and sit in the living room.
Mindy: good idea there!
Rod: as long as I get my fair share.
Brandt: well guests first. (eyes the dressing)
food is put away fast and furious. belts are unbuttoned and moaning/groaning is heard.

Brandt: ok, well lets do the gifts
Chrystal: yes, Mindy wanna help me pass them out!
Richard: ummm, (looking nervous) we forgot our gifts in the car! (elbows Becky)
Richard and Becky run to the car and feverishly write a check.
Rod: I love gifts!
Beth: Christmas time is for our Lord and Savior!
Brandt: well lets play some Christmas music shall we!
Tripp opens his gift and to his disappointment has received a Longhorn coffee mug.
Brandt: giggles!
Richard opens his gift and is happy to have a Harley Davidson collectors watch.
Becky opens hers and receives leg warmers.
Mindy thinks she will receive a bucket of tuna, so she opens hers and is astonished to not get the bucket of tuna but a bucket of ranch style beans.
Mindy: what tha????
Beth opens her gift and is perplexed as to why someone would give her a book by Al Gore on global warming.
Rod opens his gift which is in a make shift envelope. Rod is depressed that all he gets is a $15 check written in red by Richard.
Rod: dude!
Richard: your welcome!
Rod (leans over to Mindy), we gave him a Harley Davidson watch and all we get is a $15 check!
Chrystal opens her gift and to her unabashed and juvenile excitement has received a complete edition of the Twilight Series in book form.
Brandt looks on in pride and a twinge of glumness, knowing her time will be spent reading and he will continue to wash all dishes, fold all clothes and make all dinners.
Mindy: Brandt, open your gift.
Brandt: my gift is having all you friends here with me!
a collective air of friendship and togetherness can be felt!
Brandt: plus there is no gifts left.
Richard: oh contraire mon frere!
Mindy/Becky/Beth: what in the world does that mean?
Richard: work with me here. I did graduate from UNT!
Chrystal: and?
Brandt: what are you getting at?
Richard: well, look outside!
Brandt looks outside and to his amazement he sees a burnt orange 2009 Jeep Wrangler.
Tripp: wow bro, how.....
Brandt: is this for me?
Richard: yes it is, for being such a great best friend for the past 22 years, my parents have co-signed this Jeep for you!
Brandt: (crying) OMG!
Chrystal: I get shotgun!
Mindy: I get back seat!
Beth: can we get to the Christmas caroling?
Brandt: well lets make it quick b/c I'm going to test drive my new Jeep!
within 5 minutes of singing Brandt/Rod/Richard/Tripp are seen jumping in the Jeep and joyriding!
Beth/Becky/Chrystal/Mindy are left to carol on musical harmony!
less than one mile down the street Brandt has been pulled over for speeding and vandalism.
seems like a passenger in the back (named Richard or Tripp) threw an egg out the side.
gonna be a long night for the boys!
meanwhile the ladies are enjoying the new Twilight movie the New Moon!
much teenage giggling can be overheard from the local movie theater.
Brandt rings his one phone call from jail and gets Chrystal's voicemail!

thank you for reading this overly long and drawn out mess!
I thank you and my heart thanks you!