A Truly Bizarro Christmas 2010 Edition!

Hello one and all! It is that time of year again. It's time for my joculary edifying Christmas story! This is my 5th year of time wasting, er I mean, blogging about all things Christmas. If you have not read my past posts, then you truly have not lived. Truly! Anyways on with the show. What I do each and every year is blog about my life and friends in a bizarro world of gift giving and most importantly gift receiving. Remember friends, this is fake, not to hurt feelings but too giggle and guffaw!
I bring to you A Truly Bizarro Christmas 2010!
my cast of strong:
Brandt played perfectly by Brian
Chrystal impersonated quite hot by my wife Christy
Mindy portrayed by aloof, but funny little friend Mandy
Rod aka Rohan (Mandy's australian husband)
Richard aka Troy (Brian's best friend of the last 23 years)
Becky aka Becca (Troy's very very pregnant wife)
Tripp aka Trey (Brian's HS friend)
making a cameo appearance-
Juanita aka Juanell (Christy's mother)
MawMaw aka Grandma (Brian's sainted grandmother)
now that all of the introductions and needed bathroom breaks are out of the way lets get this party started...

Brandt walks in the bedroom as Chrystal drools on her pillow while laying in bed.
Brandt: Chrystal! it is 11:30am....
Chrystal: will you give me a wakey back massage?
Brandt obliges. to Chrystal's disgust she asks, " Two hands!!!!" Brandt does as asked.
Brandt tells Chrystal: guess what I have?
Chrystal: what? another wrestling dvd??? (giggle)
Brandt: guess!
Chrystal: I hate guessing, just tell me!
Brandt: I have a lottery ticket.
Chrystal: and?
Brandt: I have a good feeling about this...
Chrystal: is this the same good feeling you had about your Longhorns and Cowboys this year? (giggle)
Brandt: nooooooo! (he scratches furiously away at the ticket)
*phone rings*
Brandt: ughhh... will you answer that please!
Chrystal: no, I'll let it go to voice mail.
Brandt: what if it is important?
the phone is on its fourth ring
Chrystal finally answers the phone and it is her mom Juanita
Chrystal: hello.
Juanita (already talking) did I wake you?
Chrystal: no, what's up?
Juanita: just seeing how my dear daughter is doing.
Chrystal: mom, let me call you back Brandt is beating my down with some lottery ticket.
Juanita: need me to call the police?
Chrystal: what? no!, I'll call back!
Juanita: ok, bye...... hey real quick!
Chrystal (dial tone)
Brandt: WOOHOOOOOOO! I won, I mean we won!
Chrystal (not impressed) what did we win?
Brandt: we won a million dollars!!!!!
Chrystal: really!!!!! (quickly jumps up and does the running man)
Brandt (grabs his newly bought I-phone): I'm gonna call Richard!
Brandt frantically tries to call Richard but he is not answering.
Richard and his wife Becky are in transport to the local hospital. Becky's water has broken and she is ready to give birth to their new baby boy. The boy's new name is Christopher Brian Matheny.
Brandt leaves a voice mail and tells Richard he has great news.
Brandt: bro, I have won a million dollars!!!!!!
*ding dong*
Chrystal: will you get that hon?
Brandt in a joyous skip to the door answers and it is Mindy and Rod.
Brandt: well hello there my commoner friends!
Mindy: what?
Rod: ready for a basketball game?
Brandt smugly looks down on his friends and says. "Mindy, Chrystal is in there (pointing to the bedroom) and Rod my good ol' chap, I don't have time for basketball today, I need to go collect my check.
Rod: what check?
Brandt: you wouldn't understand!
Brandt leaves post haste.
Mindy: Chrystal, what has gotten into Brandt? what is the cheese again?
Chrystal: he says we won the lottery!
Mindy: oh wow! really? how much?
Chrystal: one million dollars!!
Rod (eavesdropping): what?
*phone rings on Brandt's cell phone* ring ring.
Brandt can't hear it due to the blaring Metallica in his car. Tripp leaves a voicemail about a funny story about the cops putting out fake lottery tickets to dupe people into thinking they won so they would go collect only to get snared by the police.
Brandt giddily runs into the store to claim his prize only to be engulfed by the fine uniformed officers of Dallas. it seems Brandt forgot to pay a ticket that is now outstanding.
Chrystal meanwhile is preparing for their Christmas feast. MawMaw has arrived and brought the turkey and dressing. (just the way Brandt likes it)
Mindy is seen tasting the dressing with her fingers, while Rod has turned on the t.v. to watch the Mavericks.
Richard and Becky are proud parents of a new bouncing baby boy! new name is Chase Raider Matheny.
Richard: great job honey!
Becky: thank you...
Richard: do you think Brandt will be offended that we didn't name Chase after him?
Becky: I don't really care, he still hasn't paid for that Christmas tree ornament from the Longhorn game in 05'.
Richard: duly noted!
back at the Peters/Robinson abode-
Rod is seen snoring on the couch with maverick basketball playing in the back ground.
Mindy is still tasting the dressing and turkey with her fingers.
Brandt is sitting in Lew Sterrett (a Dallas jail) waiting to make his one call. It seems a very buff Jerry Wayne from Mesquite is hogging the phone talking to one of his friends.
Chrystal is back at home setting the table wondering where her mom is. *phone rings*
Juanita: Chrystal, I'm on my way. sorry for being late but I.....
Chrystal: mom it is ok, but I'm really busy here just come on over....
Brandt finally makes his one phone call. He calls his wife and gets an immediate voice mail.
Chrystal it seems has put her phone on silent.
Brandt can't believe his bad luck. The officer comes to bring Brandt to the waiting cell. Brandt sits next to Jerry Wayne who winks at him knowingly.
Chrystal/Mindy/Rod/Juanita and MawMaw all gather around the Christmas feast and say their blessings to Santa Baby Jesus.
Mawmaw: "asks where Brandt is?"
Chrystal: He has a huge surprise for everyone!
-while back at Lew Sterret- Brandt is seen in the fetal position sobbing uncontollably!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! bye 2010....

Superfriends Spring Break Edition!

previously on the Superfriends....

Mandy: I'm tired!
Rohan: what's new....
Mandy: hey, I lead a hectic life.
Rohan: O, Mandy, give it a rest.
Mandy: why are you in a bad mood? did Brian beat you in another game of basketball??
Rohan: (schlumps shoulders and vomits in mouth)

Brian: hey Christy, we need to discuss finances tonight!
Christy: I have a date with 24 Hour Fitness tonight.
Brian: I didn't ask....
Christy: (gives Brian the one fingered salute)

10:15 a.m. preshow meeting
Brian: first.
Christy: what does that mean?
Brian: means I was first in the chair.
Mandy: first!
Christy: Mandy, Brian beat you this time.
Rohan: are we still doing this ridiculous game?
Brian: you're just sore from our last bball game! 11-2 brotha....
Mandy: can we get on with the show run down...
Christy: yes please, my life hangs on everything Superfriend. (looks on lustily at her new Twilight poster)

Voodoo Child by Jimi Hendrix wails through the Superfriends studio.
Brian: welcome one and all to another vomit inducing, forehead slapping, back aching edition of the Superfriends.
Mandy: vomit inducing? I promise not to vomit today.
Christy: guys we are already late on our run sheet.
Brian: ladies, calm down calm down.
Christy/Mandy: we are calm!
Brian; well, while you girls get calm, today's show brings hilarity, professionalism, and most of all e-mails.
Troy: ok chief, I have a list of emails for our segment.
Christy: wait a minute! you said I could answer e-mails today!
Brian: (shoos Troy away) yes, well we will introduce our new segment today called what's in Christy's Bag?
Christy: bag? I don't have a bag!
Brian: it is radio lingo, work with me here.
Mandy: so what am I suppose to do?
Rohan: you could get me some tea and ding dong cake.
Mandy: you said I didn't have to get you stuff if we were at work!!!!!
Troy: can we move this along please....
Mandy: (gives Troy the stink eye)
Troy: (gives Mandy the flamingo gun)
Mandy: (gives Troy the Russian leg sweep)
Troy: (gives Mandy the Polish hammer)
abruptly-Christy's song is played-
what's in Christy's e-mail? what's in Christy's email?
Brian: (looking at Christy), did you like your music? I did it myself.
Christy: (not amused) sure babe.
Brian: up first, we have an email from Scooter in Portland Oregon. Scooter asks, "Christy, thanks for the guided tour of Olympic Park. my question is, why didn't your husband come with?"
Brian: guided tour?
Christy: yes, thanks for using my e-mail Scooter, I toured some indiginous Oregonians in return for some gluten free treats. my hubby couldn't make it because of his fear of heights, flying and living in general...
Mandy: bahahahahahaha!
Brian: who rattled you cage Mandy?
Rohan: sore are we Brian?
Brian: about as sore after beating you in a game of one-on-one basketball!
Troy: score!
Mandy: lets see here, we have another question from Matt. Matt asks, "how did you become such an accomplished writer?"
Brian: I taugh......
Christy: well Matt thanks for asking. it took lots of hard work, many a year and dedication.
Mandy: good answer Christy!
Brian: well I'm a good writer with no formal education.
Rohan: now I understand!
Brian: (gives Rohan the throat slash sign)
Troy: I think we have time for one more question.
Christy: one more??? we just started!
Troy: well we have Nolan Ryan in 2 minutes..
Mandy: Nolan Ryan!!!! what has he done????
Brian/Troy: (slaps forehead)
Rohan: well our last question comes from, Juannyyy. she asks, "my sweet girl, when are you going to call or come by? love mom!"
Christy: MOM, I said I would call when I get home.
Troy: giggle!
Christy: Troy, don't you have some beer to drink!
Troy: beat you to it, I'm on my 3rd one already.
Brian: bro, it is only 12:30 p.m.
Mandy: drunk!!!!!
Brian: what was that Mandy?
Mandy: I said, krunk.
Rohan: why would you say krunk?
Mandy: Rohan!!!
Rohan: giggles!
Brian: well that segment went as well as a dolphin trainer feeding whales at Sea World.
Christy: Brian, that was uncalled for!
Brian: about as uncalled as Stabler and Benson not getting together on Law And Order SVU.
*breaking news*
Brian: aww man, we must have some breaking news...
Mandy: that is why the breaking news sounder was played.
Troy: seems like we have won 2 tickets to tonights Mavericks game.
Brian: well well well. I undoubtedly will take one of those.
Troy/Rohan: ohhhh, please take me!
Christy: don't look over here bub, me and Mandy have plans.
Brian: well, Troy/Rohan, you guys flip a coin or something.
Mandy: (leans over to Christy) what plans?
Christy: (whispers) work with me here, ok!
coin is tossed slowly in the air, Rohan looks on lazily. Troy looks on in a glaze.
coin hits the earth and the winner is---------------- Troy!
Troy: (does the running man)
Rohan: stuff it, I didn't want to go anyways!
mandy: but Ro..... you said you wanted to go....
Rohan: shhhhhh.....
Christy: Mandy, lets bounce!
Mandy: how????
Christy: (grabs Mandy by the arm)
Brian: (details the night of Mavs basketball with Troy)
Rohan: (is seen eating ding dong cake with his hands)

stay tuned for another cluster of an edition of the Superfriends!

Rohan sits in his chair surrounded by ding dong carnage watching the Mavs.
Brian gets elected to shoot 3 pointers at halftime to win $10,000!
Troy gets lost returning to his seats to watch Brian win $10,000.
Christy/Mandy get pulled over for speeding 75 in a 55!

All Things Considered!

previously on the Superfriends:
Christy: Brian, I bought my ticket for New York!
Brian: wow, so you're really going?
Christy: I told you I need a vacation, bad!
Brian: I said we could go to Austin again.
Christy: sweetheart, I love Austin, and I like road trips but I need to go somewhere new and exciting!
Brian: ok. (with a glum look on his face)
Christy: you can come with.
Brian: babe, you know I can't!
Christy: you can. can't couldn't do anything.
Brian: (stares in oblivion)

preshow meeting:
Mandy: ok guys, I have the runsheet for the show.
Brian: Mandy, remember we said we would free wheel it from now on.
Mandy: well I changed the plans.
Brian: I'm the only one who can do that, it says so in my contract!
Mandy: Rohan!!!!!
Rohan: Mandy, just let it go.
Mandy: where is Christy?
Brian: she is in New York.
Mandy: what!!!!!!!!!
Brian: I know, left me all alone. I have to feed myself.
Rohan: I feel ya bro.
Mandy: (gives Rohan the evil eye) wish I would have known, I would have gone with her.
Brian: can we get the show going please?

Voodoo Child is thumping through the Superfriends studios.
Brian: welcome one and all to another side splitting edition of the world famous Superfriends!
Mandy: excuse me Brian, but don't we just broadcast a few block radius from here.
Brian: lets not split hairs here, we reach plenty of our loyal fans.
Rohan: so what is on the show today?
Brian: slow there Rohan, let the game come to you.
Mandy: where is Troy and Trey?
Brian: well Troy has baby duty this morning and Trey has the day off.
Mandy: we get days off?
Brian: Mandy, he begged ok!
Rohan: well on our special guest hotline we have Jerry Jones, owner of the Cowboys.
Mandy: (lol) well this should be fun!
Brian: (knowing this could get ugly with Mandy's distaste of the Cowboys and the owner, motions to Rohan to turn down Mandy's mic)
Mandy (thinks she is asking Jerry a question but isn't)
Brian: good morning Mr. Jones!
Mr. Jones: good morning to ya. How bout them Cowboys!
Brian: indeed, I'm proud of our boys.
Rohan: you gonna get rid of that spare Roy E. Williams?
Brian: (mortified) OMG! I'm sorry, disregard that last comment.
Mr. Jones: ok, well, I have and I will, certainly disregard it!
Mandy (screaming into turned off mic) why won't you answer me!
Brian: it's been almost 21 years since you have owned the Cowboys, how great is that?
Mr. Jones: well it is, and has been great! certainly, we can do more and we will!
Rohan: you guys are a joke, with no punchline!
Brian: Rohan! for the love of all....
Mr. Jones: well, I better go and I will do just that!
Brian: (schlumped shoulders)
Mandy: (just now figuring out her mic was turned off) who turned off mic?
Rohan/Brian: (both point at the other)
Mandy: well it was probably for the best, he is a jerk!
Brian: anyways, what is next?
Mandy: well since that was an unexpected guest, we have my momma!
Rohan: thought we were going to talk hunting and fishing?
Mandy: well it is not on my runsheet!
Brian: how about we talk Mavs?
Rohan: now you're talking..
Mandy: ok, we could talk about your man-crush on Dirk, Brian.
Brian: hey we all have our man crushes, right Rohan?
Rohan: dude seriously, that's gay!
Brian: are we gonna talk Mavs?
Mandy: well my momma is here. she wants to talk ding dong cake.
Rohan/Brian: OK!
Mandy: this segment is brought to you by The Office on Thursdays 9et./8ct on NBC.
Momma Pegues: Jesus loves you!
Brian: enlighten us on the recipe for ding dong cake. (pen ready)
Momma Pegues: I don't give away those recipes.
Rohan/Brian: Mandy, you said......
Mandy: well thank you momma for coming by, we'll be over later! (winking, ushering her out of the room)
Momma Pegues: (hurriedly says before door shuts) bye, Jesus lo.....
Rohan: we have a special caller on line 2.
Brian: line 2 caller go ahead!
line 2: hey guys, hows it going?
Mandy: Christy, my sweet sweet dear friend!
Line 2 caller (Christy): am I on the air?
Rohan: yes.
line 2 caller (Christy): I asked to not be on the air.
Brian: hey babe, how was the flight?
line 2 caller (Christy) I'll just call back, my ferry to the Statue of Liberty is about to take off anyways. love ya'll!
Brian: call me...
line 2 caller (Christy): (click-dial tone)
Mandy: wow, how cool is that, Christy called from NYC!
Brian: (depressed that Christy is gone)
Mandy: suck it up big boy, you could have gone!
Brian: (schlumps)
Rohan: Mandy, give the old chap a break! wanna go play a game of bball, again! (lol)
Brian: (in a depressed shaken voice) I better go.
Mandy: O come on!
Rohan: Mandy, he seems genuinely upset.
Brian: I know what can cheer me up!
Mandy: what? anything????
Brian: The Office reruns...
Rohan: oh good grief!
Mandy: (whispering) it is ok Rohan, he'll be asleep in 20 minutes anyway!
Rohan: ok, cool.
Mandy: with that, we sign off with another informative and funny episode of the Superfriends!
Brian: (secretly takes No-Doz to keep him awake for The Office reruns)
Mandy: goodnight and good luck!

after the show, Brian is seen carrying can of peanuts and a block of cheese.
Momma Pegues is hoarding her ding dong cake!
Rohan is cleaning his fish knife.
Mandy is opening a can of tuna. (Mandy likes tuna)
from afar in NYC, Christy is reveling in her New York vacation bliss!